With a prehistoric shark as company and 2023 looking like a fantastic year for movies, here comes Shotgun Wedding. It isn’t even the sort of existentially problematic movie that makes you question your place in the universe. It’s simply plain awful how dull and half-hearted Shotgun Wedding is. JLo being forced to participate in such a humiliating practice is even more abhorrent.
Tom (Josh Duhamel) and Darcy (Lopez) are getting married on a stunning island in the Philippines. Despite Marge, the manager best,’s efforts, there are obstacles to overcome, as there are at all weddings (Selena Tan from Crazy Rich Asians). Tom wants to give Darcy the perfect wedding while demonstrating to his in-laws that he is the best man for their daughter. Darcy does not wish her highly wealthy father, Robert (Cheech Marin), to foot the bill.
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Jamie (Callie Hernandez), Darcy’s sister, is a wild child who arrives late to do Darcy’s hair because she is getting into mischief with the best man Ricky (Desmin Borges). Jamie isn’t there to rein in Carol (Jennifer Coolidge), her future mother-in-law, so Darcy winds up with what looks like a “condo” on her head.
Since Darcy’s parents are divorced, her mother Renata (Sônia Braga) frequently criticizes Robert’s girlfriend Harriet (D’Arcy Carden) for smiling at her while dismissing Tom as a groomzilla (he does want everything to be perfect, including the pineapple centerpieces).
Darcy’s ex-boyfriend, Lenny Kravitz, performs a dramatic chopper drop at the wedding, which only exacerbates the situation (even though he did not RSVP). He interrupts Tom’s speech by sharing tender and amusing tales of his time spent with Darcy while serving in the Peace Corps in Bali, and he charms everyone in attendance, even Tom’s calm, modest father, Larry (Steve Coulter).
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Then, while the guests wait for the bride to go down the aisle and the happy couple is engaged in an argument involving many “you said,” the pirates show up. Shotgun Wedding is supposed to be Die Hard at a wedding… detective John McClane will not be saying Yippee-Ki-Yay to that anytime soon.
The jokes are less funny than yesterday’s uthappam, and it’s not very tasteful to blow out people’s brains. The rom-com, the action film, the action-comedy, or the bloody dismemberment à la Tarantino are all options. That one does not fit into any of those categories is a bummer. Shotgun Wedding resides in a separate section of hell, where scary films go to die.
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